You always hear the horror stories when you’re pregnant of women sneezing and peeing at the same time or as my friends call it, “snissing”. So you wear a panty liner and do your kegels faithfully every day because “this is going to happen to me” runs through your head daily. Then one day your babe gets too big and your bladder has a half an ounce of liquid and you have your first sniss. This is of course shortly followed by 5 nightly trips to the loo. You don’t complain (too much) because you know at the end of your journey is your babe and the return of your bladder of steel. People I am here to warn you that this does not happen.
I have always prided myself on my bladder of steel, I could hold it until my eyeballs floated then I gave birth. Not only did my fleeting hopes of a flat stomach go out the door, but so did my pipe dreams of my steely return. Now when the feeling comes it comes fast and hard and you better get out of my way or bring a towel and a change of pants.
Brooks will be 1 year old next week and I am still having issues with this. Today he and I were shopping, I had a thousand errands to run. I used the restroom and 15 minutes later the urge hit again and HARD. We were in the parking lot so I figured this was easy, 50 feet between myself and the water closet. I parked the car, grabbed my bag, got the dude out of the back seat and tried to not look like I was running into the craft store. Fortunately I knew where the restrooms were located so I made a B-line for their location. I get within 10 feet and have to stop, collect myself and cross my legs. I say to myself, “c’mon Mary-Tyler, 10 more feet you can make it.” Uncross legs, start unbuttoning shorts (yes IN THE STORE) and throw pride out the window and run.
I make it, close the stall door and go to put Brooks down, when he decides to have a death grip on my neck and shirt. I’m thinking to myself, flucking kid, let go! Unfortunately he’s not strong enough to hold his own weight and starts to fall, so instead of pulling down my pants I have to grab the babe. I get a grip on him and start the shimmy, and the gates open, all over my shorts. I sit down and mostly make it, but my shorts are obviously wet. Brooks is looking at me laughing which pissed me off and made me laugh at the same time. I collect my composure and analyze my options.
A) Run out of the store, drive home, shower, change and never return to that store again.
B) Suck up some wet shorts and be thankful it’s summer
I chose B. I am a little surprised by my apathy, but I was too busy today to care. The bathroom didn’t have a dryer, so I checked myself out and it really looked like I had sat in some water. So I sucked it up. I walked ALL over that craft store, then next door to the pet store, and finally the office supply store. By the time I got to the car my shorts were dry.
So friends, I hope that for those of you without children or are pregnant will use this as a learning tool. And to those of you with children, I hope that you nod in agreement and have pity on the chick in bright yellow shorts with an OBVIOUS wet spot on the butt.